I have recently aquired some new clothes. What a wonderful feeling it is to get new clothes, some new heels too. My only regret is that I am not a thinner person to wear such clothing, I dont pull things off anymore, I merely find things that don't make me look like a cow.
You can say its a harsh thing to say, but to me I was never one of those people who were meant to gain weight, you know some people gain weight and their face can pull it off, their features are wide set and don't look swallowed by fat, but can still stand out....but I do not see myself as one of these people, I see my old self swallowed by a fat suit that just won't go away.
Maybe you can relate, maybe you think I'm over dramatic, either way its how I feel... everytime I look in the mirror once I've gotten dressed up, I get excited thinking that I look great, then we go out and take pics, and when I see the pictures the only thing I can think is how I shouldn't be in front of a camera anymore...its hard to hear people still say I look beautiful, because to me I looked beautiful before so how can this be to the same effect?... they must only see a glimmer of who I once was.
I had started the Atkins diet around when I first started this blog a few months ago. and it was going well, I had a plan I knew what I had to do, I lost 10 pounds in the first 2 weeks, then the second 2 after that, did nothing, my blood sugars were out of control and I had to stop the diet, by then I was supposed to have another plan for a low carb diet, but nothing was laid out so I didn't know what to do or what to follow, and I spiralled back down.... I gained the weight back and for the past month I've been scared to get on the scale... I am terrified of hitting 200... and I'm terrified of never losing this baggage.
It's awful how much clothing I've grown out of, how much I wished I still could wear, its such a sinking feeling when 1/4th of your wardrobe doesn't fit the next year.
Of course I will keep on trying, but to tell you the truth I am completely overwhelmed, looking at all these different diets seeing all the testimonials, not knowing which one to try and then when I finally pick one, looking at it... well for me its like trying to do math, I cant understand it, my brain shuts down, I shut down... and I just try not to cry....
its nothing I'm proud of, I'm not proud of anything much at this point, especially myself, I'm completely ashamed that I let myself go this much and it tears at me every day.
It took a lot out of me to post something like this, I think to myself, well what if I get gudged, or what if people I know see this and realize how lame and pity-party-ish I've become.
and then a have to tell myself that this is the reason I created a blog, to express my feelings, even if they aren't always positive. Because we all have downsides, and if you dont express them, then how can people care for you, how can you let people in... I know some people close to my family who say they want to care and be there for me, but when I talk about anything going on in my life that isn't "positive" they ward it off, like im over-exaggerating, or lying, which to them, they think there trying to be positive and to not talk about bad things is like to not have bad things happen, but they're wrong... really its rude, it makes them seem like they don't care at all, and they don't want to care... because what kind of a person who says they care, only wants to hear about the good and not the bad? In my view... a very shallow weak person. If you really wanna be there for someone you have to put up with the shit, because everyone has baggage and problems... anyways enough of my ranting.
I will continue to keep posting photos of myself, only the good ones of course. Why you might ask, well because its what I do...and if I stop blogging and sharing my photos... then the world would never hear from me and I would be nothing.
On my new clothes, I have posted 2 posts below this one, of 2 events with some of my new clothes.
You can say its a harsh thing to say, but to me I was never one of those people who were meant to gain weight, you know some people gain weight and their face can pull it off, their features are wide set and don't look swallowed by fat, but can still stand out....but I do not see myself as one of these people, I see my old self swallowed by a fat suit that just won't go away.
Maybe you can relate, maybe you think I'm over dramatic, either way its how I feel... everytime I look in the mirror once I've gotten dressed up, I get excited thinking that I look great, then we go out and take pics, and when I see the pictures the only thing I can think is how I shouldn't be in front of a camera anymore...its hard to hear people still say I look beautiful, because to me I looked beautiful before so how can this be to the same effect?... they must only see a glimmer of who I once was.
I had started the Atkins diet around when I first started this blog a few months ago. and it was going well, I had a plan I knew what I had to do, I lost 10 pounds in the first 2 weeks, then the second 2 after that, did nothing, my blood sugars were out of control and I had to stop the diet, by then I was supposed to have another plan for a low carb diet, but nothing was laid out so I didn't know what to do or what to follow, and I spiralled back down.... I gained the weight back and for the past month I've been scared to get on the scale... I am terrified of hitting 200... and I'm terrified of never losing this baggage.
It's awful how much clothing I've grown out of, how much I wished I still could wear, its such a sinking feeling when 1/4th of your wardrobe doesn't fit the next year.
Of course I will keep on trying, but to tell you the truth I am completely overwhelmed, looking at all these different diets seeing all the testimonials, not knowing which one to try and then when I finally pick one, looking at it... well for me its like trying to do math, I cant understand it, my brain shuts down, I shut down... and I just try not to cry....
its nothing I'm proud of, I'm not proud of anything much at this point, especially myself, I'm completely ashamed that I let myself go this much and it tears at me every day.
It took a lot out of me to post something like this, I think to myself, well what if I get gudged, or what if people I know see this and realize how lame and pity-party-ish I've become.
and then a have to tell myself that this is the reason I created a blog, to express my feelings, even if they aren't always positive. Because we all have downsides, and if you dont express them, then how can people care for you, how can you let people in... I know some people close to my family who say they want to care and be there for me, but when I talk about anything going on in my life that isn't "positive" they ward it off, like im over-exaggerating, or lying, which to them, they think there trying to be positive and to not talk about bad things is like to not have bad things happen, but they're wrong... really its rude, it makes them seem like they don't care at all, and they don't want to care... because what kind of a person who says they care, only wants to hear about the good and not the bad? In my view... a very shallow weak person. If you really wanna be there for someone you have to put up with the shit, because everyone has baggage and problems... anyways enough of my ranting.
I will continue to keep posting photos of myself, only the good ones of course. Why you might ask, well because its what I do...and if I stop blogging and sharing my photos... then the world would never hear from me and I would be nothing.
On my new clothes, I have posted 2 posts below this one, of 2 events with some of my new clothes.
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