So I would love to come up with something really insightful and profoundly deep for my Christmas post. But sadly that's not what this is going to be.
Christmas is a time where expectations are too high and people who apparently can control their expectations tell you that you should focus on the true meaning of Christmas and that will be enough.
Though you have heard it every year, and you understand the true meaning of Christmas, and you know what you should be focused on. Doesn't prevent you from feeling horrible for expecting too much, and not being able to switch the lever that controls expectations off.
It doesn't make the sting go away when things don't live up to your expectations. Because I CAN'T control my expectations, I'm always day dreaming on how to make things perfect for others, and for me, and then sadly, nothing lives up to it.
Now that doesn't mean I can't be blessed.
Like a friend of mine got me an expensive facial wash I was planning on getting someday. My mother crocheted me some beautiful infinity scarves, and my father helped us out financially when we had a gap in jobs.
All of that was a huge blessing this year, and I am able to realize that, and be thankful.
For me, my love language to give, is gifts. Finding the perfect gift for someone. Something that they wouldn't normally get themselves, something that would bless them, or be useful.
I just love it. When I don't have the funds to spread that, or when the closest person in the world to me, has meltdowns trying to buy a gift and ends up getting me nothing and being a downer the whole Christmas season with their attitude, Christmas can sting a little.
Even if you find a way to make up for it after Christmas, its not the same. Christmas is over, so is the excitement, and the magic of it all is mostly gone.
Then real life kicks in, so you feel bad spending money.
Oh the wonderful world of consumerism. What a blast :p
Over the years things have gotten better with my special someone. But this year he had a relapse, and I had to carry him through the holidays.
Sure I understand the pressure. I am aware of how he feels and I try my best to work with him on things. But it doesn't hurt any less when your husband has to lie to you about buying presents, or goes out shopping christmas eve and still comes back with nothing. All out of the crippling fear of disappointment.
Wow, do I feel like a horrible person, and telling people this stuff makes me feel even more like a horrible person, because all they think is..."wow what does she do to make her husband so miserable"
I'm ashamed as I'm writing this now.
Sorry to break your bubble everyone, but I'm human, and I have flaws:
high expectations, and dreams of perfection are one of them.
You see, this isn't all either of our faults. Satan knows just how easy we are to attack at this time.
His whispers' in my husbands' ear and says "nothing you get her will please her, you're just one big disappointment"
and he whispers in my head and says "Wow he can't even get you something off of a list you made, see how little he cares and loves you".
All season long we sit around with these lies floating around our head.
Its not 'til after Christmas that we realize that the enemy has a foothold on us, and we have to do our part to go to God and shake him loose.
But I wanted to share this, for those going through our problem.
Seeing movies and shows ruined me growing up. even commercials. They said good husbands who love you are supposed to dote on their wives on Valentines day, Christmas, your birthday and your anniversary. and those who don't, just don't care about you. and its even harder, because I think about gift-giving for people year round. I'm constantly seeing things that people would love and appreciate. So it extremely hard to understand why just going out and buying whatever, to even just make Christmas happen, is so hard.
Consumerism and advertising is a plague, and I hate it. They give unrealistic expectations, and make everything in life look amazing. Proms always look way cooler then they are in the movies, Weddings look like a high class events. that are "the place to be" or "the event of the season" (which sure, some are), Birthday Parties are always the coolest, and perfection comes easy to a lot of the population in cinematic.
When its just not real life.
But its hard when you are a visualizer like me, who always visualizes the best possible outcomes for events and situations, knowing they won't turn out that good. Trying to tell myself to not get excited. It just doesn't work.
This is one of my problem area's. maybe some of you think less of me, and maybe someone out there can relate.
Thankfully the Lord is still working on me. I'm still a lump a clay constantly being molded, and so is Michael. We both have to take out crap, out baggage, our flaws, and sins to the Lord and hand them over on a constant basis.
Because he is the only one that can change our ways. He is the only one who can change our views, and expectations, and even what we view as blessings.
This isn't some inspirational story on how I overcame something, or how Our relationship is the bomb because everything is peachy keen all the time.
I wanted to write this to share with you all a struggle we have. Flaws and situations we deal with. a problem area that we have to work on all the time.
Because taking things to the Lord isn't just this realization, giving it up, and poof things are fixed.
as human beings, we are constantly grabbing our problems back from him after we lift them up. sometimes unable to fully give them over. It's because we are weak, that it is a constant thing to focus on. A challenge to keep on working through and giving up to him until we can fully let him take it all and not grab it back again.
To trust that he will take care of it. That its not our Job.
But that continues on, in a conversation for another day.
So let me tell you about our Christmas and why it wasn't a total disappointment like I make it sound.
This was our first Christmas celebrating with Ruby Etta (our puppy) and we got to spoil her pretty good. She's grown up a lot in the fact that she started going potty completely outside, no more pee pads, and ruined carpet. She has been sleeping with us up on the bed every night. We haven't caged her in 2 weeks.
We have friends and a community to celebrate with. I got to help with some photos for the church and we have had many fond gatherings with friends over the season.
Michael got a good job, and we desperately needed it, He has had off work and its left us a lot of time to spend quality time together.
One of my friends out here who hasn't gone to church in a long time came with us to Christmas Eve service, and it was so nice having her there.
and we got a super cheap, big, beautiful Christmas tree :)
Christmas eve with my mother.
I do also want to give a shout out and say thank you to everyone who sent us a card or a gift.
